so you say
so you do
so you speak
one and two

is it right
or is it left
its a fight
til the death

leave it be
let it stop
i can see
the deep insdie

pick directions
which way to go
an infection
of pain so slow

hurt no more
you know the pain
let one go
i know itll stain

one plus one
do the math
dont just run
its the aftermass

right or left
left or right
one direction
it hurts to fight

stop the thoughts
itll stop the pains
stop the words
itll end its strains
stop the calls
itll end the rains

is it right
or is it left
its a fight
that must be left

once I had a lasso... so big, I roped the world
reaching out around it...all menacing and curled
screaming like a madman...straining the very bone
finally I had it, as if it were all my own...
holding it up joyfully I pranced and danced about
flippant celebration...all without a doubt
as if it all belonged to me... for me to figure about
everything would be new again...we would finally have peace
then I heard the crying..the tears and then the screams...
wanton waste and struggling...war and then disease
ceaseless killing of innocents..the slaughtering of the trees
all theses things assaulted me....assailing all my senses
spiraling all around me.. weakening my defenses
the world is pretty phucked up.. so spare me your pretences
these evils just too strong for me...I was falling to my knees
the job was just too big for me... I cried out for the trees
ask forgiveness longingly...but, be prepared to clean your plate
she decides our fate for us but, we control the hate...
these things you think you want are not really yours..
they hang there right in front of us...sparkling little lures..
be careful what you pull upon, be careful of your desire
someday you may ask for it ...
and all you'll get is fire..

I never hurt you
I never lied
I always tried
I love you
I adore you
I always have
….It’s never
been my choice
it never will be
you’ve never known
and don’t want to..
shhhh…I won't tell
It can be my secret
honey … its ok
I understand
…I’m on it..
you told me then
and so I left it
forever again
…I asked
you laughed
and then, I give
always give
always
every night since
it doesn’t matter
no one knows
how silently
I could cry
…very
it never has
…ever
never noticed
I was your father who
still cared
still loved
….still…..
shhhh shhhhh
it’s ok ..Daddy’s here
don’t worry baby
I’ll cry for us
…I’ll cry…
don’t you dare
...I'm used to it
what really hurts
is that I didn’t choose
I couldn’t choose
never will be
never ever
never
well I messed up
just another person
an empty father..
who’s messed up
just all messed
the phuck
…up
besides...
in you I am nobody
I never mattered
I never was
so what does it matter
...if I....
cry for us
…I’ll cry….
and no one will
ever know
not even
you

in your life
I’m just a person
that’s good
at hiding
the fact
...that
...I’m just an
empty father
who’s hurt

I gaze at a white plaster view
it's not a wall but an obscure scene that's imagined by me
it's my life as I examine it now
a sheet of canvas with no paint around.

I do my best not to stare
but the glare absorbs all of my emotion
and I observe as this white wall is my future
it's my last bit of freedom...

bare, unwhole, unloved, abandoned, left bare and stranded
left to imagine how everything else feels
concealed to a tiny square so that my face can't be seen
embarrassed to be seen so raw

I'm locked behind a steel door
captured inside
and not able to express how it feels to be left for dead
emptiness is in my head

why is there no future in my life?
why didn't someone come along and examine me?
why didn't somebody bring color into my life?
and why doesn't anybody show they love me?

is it because I'm bare?
is it because all you can do is stare
and not interact with me?
if it is then that's not fair

I'm just a wall.
I'm not an animal you sleep with at night
or a plant you watch grow and shine in the light
I'm just a wall
and that's all I'll ever be to you.

For the past week I've refused to eat,
my morale is bleak but my weight is at it's peak.
I'm too fat to care,
and I see villians in people who stare.

I'm bound by life to gain pounds,
but I look around and my size is in right now.
I actually hope that I choke and nobody will notice
the food that doesn't go down my throat.

My meals are concealed because I hate how I look and feel,
my desires and wills are swallowed like diet pills.
I can't look at a meal,
and I withdraw meals through a straw,
and draw a conclusion that my mind is cloudy like fog...and I faint.

I awake in a hospital bed feeling vile as the doctors check my vitals,
my Mother tells me I'm vital, bit I continue to stay in denial,
and that this is not a slow take on being suicidal.

This is no longer concealed and I have forfeited all trust that I could build.
I've been pinned in a corner and drilled,
so I lose my will and now make strides to get healed.

Glistening,

my eyes wet from the storm within

rippin out...

at the chest bones my heart is torn

knees knocking out each other

as I try to walk

screaming out of my lungs

as I begin to talk

loving someone who doesn't love you at all

waiting,

as he says,

in time he'll give you a call

Head bursting in migraines

as I wonder why,

it's me I think

there's something,...wrong

I just wanna die.

there was a time
when the holly and pine
permeated my senses
with recollection and promise
that hope would warm the spirit
and all was well

there was a time
as a young man was dreaming
and the fruits of his labour
bore gifts and reward
enough to nourish the soul
and pass on to others

there was a time
when the sound of young voices
carried the room
on that cold winter morning
surrounded by ribbon and laughter
each searching under the green boughs

there was a time
as life carried on
that the needles started to dry and fall away
their scent a distant memory
no longer clinging to our clothes
reminding us that something changed

there was a time
that age and distance carried them away
each year their return
less frequent than before
a slow migration into themselves
leaving me alone

there was a time
when spoken words turned to texts
phone conversations turned to greeting cards
and even a once beating heart
found it difficult
to comprehend this reality

there was a time
when even the holly and the pine
could not relieve the broken heart
left from the slow decay
of who we once were together
now a distant shadow

there was a time
now that the branches have broken
and the needles lay dry beneath my feet
that the holly only serves
to draw my blood with its prick
with each attempt to decorate the mantle

there was a time
when even the brandy in my coffee
could not remove you from the memory
that i once held so dear
sitting among the gift wrap
awaiting your next smile

there was a time
and that time is today
that i will wait alone again
and hold you close in my heart
knowing you are gone
by your own choice poisoned

today i'll hold the holly and the pine
the sap sticking to my bloodied palms
and smile at what i made you
and cry at who you are
as i hang the wreath upon the door
waiting to greet you once more

Remember how everyone would be ?
How they would say everything will be okay . . .
Well nothing is ever okay .
Because at night we would have to pray ,
& wish how our problems will just go away .
But we all know , that it aint that simple .
Lifes a struggle, Its just like a jungle
Gotta learn your way to get through to the end ,
but yet we gotta live it .
No matter what you went through
Or how many times you got abused, harassed
Or even gotten in trouble with the cops . . .
We live each day with a fake but weary smile .
During the long mile though
As each day passes , we just wished we didn't live this life of ours .
& lived a different persons life each day .
To see how much each one of them had struggled .
& In the end the world will turn dark ,
& everything will be blank .
We've all had enough , its just too much to handle .
But don't you remember how people were ?
Saying everything will be alright but yet ,
We all know there's always something wrong . . .

I see her standing there, behind the glass,
I see her beautiful face as she forms a gentle smile,
I see her head held high with pride standing by her side,
I see her wishful heart beating through her soul.
I see what she wants me to see.

A small flicker of hope waves across her brow, hastily dulling her expression;
As she notices a lone girl standing there on the other side of the glass,
This girl looks how she feels inside, empty, drained and alone,
Her heart is lying on her sleeve and her chest is frayed,
Her eyes are damp with a silent tear staining her crimson cheek.

I suddenly realise what has captured her fragile attention,
The girl she sees through the glass is none other than me.
I catch my reflection and quickly understand her transformed expression;
She is witnessing another’s pain and fear, just as I am in her.
Two lonely hearts are connected, just for a second; but that’s enough.

I see her standing there behind the glass,
I see her faded smile and empty gaze,
I see her pale skin and hollow sapphire eyes,
I see her weaknesses, fears and memories consume her.
I see her, but she does not truly see me.

Your pain,
It rains,
Down,
down on us,
On our lives,
We are being,

Swallowed.
And we sink.
In your quicksand.
Slowly,
we fall deeper,
In your Depression.

I hold you.
I am tugging,
I am pulling
on your arms,
Struggling out,
Trying to hope
For you.

Knowing if love,
Is what you
Miss,
Maybe there is a light.
Instead of the quicksand,
In which we sink,
In which we all sink.

The tears won't be
if you let me,
out of the rain
Out of the quicksand.
And let me love.
And let me hold you.
Pull me out of
Your quicksand.