so you say
so you do
so you speak
one and two

is it right
or is it left
its a fight
til the death

leave it be
let it stop
i can see
the deep insdie

pick directions
which way to go
an infection
of pain so slow

hurt no more
you know the pain
let one go
i know itll stain

one plus one
do the math
dont just run
its the aftermass

right or left
left or right
one direction
it hurts to fight

stop the thoughts
itll stop the pains
stop the words
itll end its strains
stop the calls
itll end the rains

is it right
or is it left
its a fight
that must be left

once I had a lasso... so big, I roped the world
reaching out around it...all menacing and curled
screaming like a madman...straining the very bone
finally I had it, as if it were all my own...
holding it up joyfully I pranced and danced about
flippant celebration...all without a doubt
as if it all belonged to me... for me to figure about
everything would be new again...we would finally have peace
then I heard the crying..the tears and then the screams...
wanton waste and struggling...war and then disease
ceaseless killing of innocents..the slaughtering of the trees
all theses things assaulted me....assailing all my senses
spiraling all around me.. weakening my defenses
the world is pretty phucked up.. so spare me your pretences
these evils just too strong for me...I was falling to my knees
the job was just too big for me... I cried out for the trees
ask forgiveness longingly...but, be prepared to clean your plate
she decides our fate for us but, we control the hate...
these things you think you want are not really yours..
they hang there right in front of us...sparkling little lures..
be careful what you pull upon, be careful of your desire
someday you may ask for it ...
and all you'll get is fire..

I never hurt you
I never lied
I always tried
I love you
I adore you
I always have
….It’s never
been my choice
it never will be
you’ve never known
and don’t want to..
shhhh…I won't tell
It can be my secret
honey … its ok
I understand
…I’m on it..
you told me then
and so I left it
forever again
…I asked
you laughed
and then, I give
always give
always
every night since
it doesn’t matter
no one knows
how silently
I could cry
…very
it never has
…ever
never noticed
I was your father who
still cared
still loved
….still…..
shhhh shhhhh
it’s ok ..Daddy’s here
don’t worry baby
I’ll cry for us
…I’ll cry…
don’t you dare
...I'm used to it
what really hurts
is that I didn’t choose
I couldn’t choose
never will be
never ever
never
well I messed up
just another person
an empty father..
who’s messed up
just all messed
the phuck
…up
besides...
in you I am nobody
I never mattered
I never was
so what does it matter
...if I....
cry for us
…I’ll cry….
and no one will
ever know
not even
you

in your life
I’m just a person
that’s good
at hiding
the fact
...that
...I’m just an
empty father
who’s hurt

I gaze at a white plaster view
it's not a wall but an obscure scene that's imagined by me
it's my life as I examine it now
a sheet of canvas with no paint around.

I do my best not to stare
but the glare absorbs all of my emotion
and I observe as this white wall is my future
it's my last bit of freedom...

bare, unwhole, unloved, abandoned, left bare and stranded
left to imagine how everything else feels
concealed to a tiny square so that my face can't be seen
embarrassed to be seen so raw

I'm locked behind a steel door
captured inside
and not able to express how it feels to be left for dead
emptiness is in my head

why is there no future in my life?
why didn't someone come along and examine me?
why didn't somebody bring color into my life?
and why doesn't anybody show they love me?

is it because I'm bare?
is it because all you can do is stare
and not interact with me?
if it is then that's not fair

I'm just a wall.
I'm not an animal you sleep with at night
or a plant you watch grow and shine in the light
I'm just a wall
and that's all I'll ever be to you.

For the past week I've refused to eat,
my morale is bleak but my weight is at it's peak.
I'm too fat to care,
and I see villians in people who stare.

I'm bound by life to gain pounds,
but I look around and my size is in right now.
I actually hope that I choke and nobody will notice
the food that doesn't go down my throat.

My meals are concealed because I hate how I look and feel,
my desires and wills are swallowed like diet pills.
I can't look at a meal,
and I withdraw meals through a straw,
and draw a conclusion that my mind is cloudy like fog...and I faint.

I awake in a hospital bed feeling vile as the doctors check my vitals,
my Mother tells me I'm vital, bit I continue to stay in denial,
and that this is not a slow take on being suicidal.

This is no longer concealed and I have forfeited all trust that I could build.
I've been pinned in a corner and drilled,
so I lose my will and now make strides to get healed.